A Sisterhood of Strangers
When online connection ripples into real life
By Etienne Fang and Shannon Mullen O’Keefe
The serendipitous moments of connection that might bring strangers together — the type that might happen in a café, or while running to the corner grocery store, or while attending an in-person business conference, disappeared in 2020.
The world was in a pandemic lockdown.
Gatherings big and small were canceled or became virtual. People were comfortable in their work-from-home setups, and hugs became waves from afar. But at the hybrid Great Wave conference hosted by House of Beautiful Business, a group of women joined a “ripple” conversation — a virtual group — that offered up a place for strangers to connect in a more intimate way.
A group formed and established a ritual of connections that have now spanned a full year’s time. Here’s how.
Center the connection around a project
The gathering began a few weeks after the conference when, not knowing what to expect, Etienne Fang extended an invitation to a small group of women to keep the ripple conversation around redefine having it all — her own project by the same name, which aims to celebrate the beautiful diversity of real women’s ambitions globally.
Commit to commitment
Through winter, spring, summer, and fall, the group maintained the cadence of gathering. Women joined from around the world at all different times of the day and represented many versions of a woman’s life: some mothers, some not; some working, some not, some settled, some nomadic. But all shared a common desire to grapple with aspirations, desires, and what they hope for in their lives.
Realize the joys and limitations of close friends
The idea for the Redefining Having It All project started years back when Etienne was going through a crisis brought on by motherhood. It seemed like the life many suggested was possible as a working mother was an over-simplification. Social media notions of perfectly balanced kids and careers, health and wellness and Instagram-perfect decors weren’t telling the full story. So, what was the story behind the story of modern women’s lives? Did most of them really have it all? And if so, what did that look like?
Etienne did what a human-centered researcher would do, and interviewed forty women about their perspectives on “having it all,” starting with her childhood friends, past and present colleagues, former classmates, new acquaintances — all women she knew. They offered their unique views on their hopes and dreams. But their stories seemed pretty near to her own.
So in a period of twelve months, she set out to interview and photograph over 100 women in twelve countries (Myanmar, Argentina, Liberia, India, to name a few) — all complete strangers. Talking to strangers opened up new avenues of conversation and learning.
As such, one of the greatest benefits of the ripple group is that it was formed with women who were not friends to begin with.
Ritualize it
To create a gathering space, and to form an ongoing ritual of discussions with women representing many diverse perspectives from around the world, seemed a natural extension of this work.
Women who agreed to join the Redefining Having it All ripple conversations committed to the following values: curiosity, creativity, confidentiality, communication, and commitment. The gatherings became spaces for reflection, following a basic framework and guided discussion format. Together members undertook activities like journaling, and exploring and discussing reflection prompts:
- What holds you back from pursuing your biggest dream?
- Which projects in your life feed you most personally and professionally?
- Which moments in your life made you feel high positive energy?
- What forms of acceptance and unconditional love, without demands or expectations, can I offer to myself before offering this to others around me?
- What have been my discoveries, joys, and areas of growth in each decade of my life?
- What is essential for me?
At the end of each gathering, each person committed to taking one small step toward bringing their insights to life. (Since small steps can lead to big changes, especially during these languishing times.)
Openness to sisterhood
When you meet with relative strangers, it’s a bit like opening up to your Uber driver. Since you may never see the person again, there is less risk of being rejected or feeling misunderstood.
A group of relative strangers offers very few preconceived notions or judgments that might get in the way of real conversation. This creates the space for deeper reflection.
Listening to all the ins and outs of what is really happening behind the scenes in women’s lives gives a more complete picture of life. Asking and answering all of these questions gives way to reflecting, learning, and new bonds forming.
In her book, Sensuous Knowledge, author Minna Salami argues that “Feminism is a struggle against patriarchy, but it is equally a struggle for sisterhood.”
A community like this can be a way to form a new sisterhood, even.
The Invitation
So perhaps we’ve uncovered an important opportunity here that can make a difference for more of us.
Perhaps we owe it to ourselves to stay open to new conversations with new people in our lives. To strangers.
Keep an eye out for these people who might be different from us in many ways, but whom we might have things in common with that we don’t realize. Consider remaining open to new conversations. Conversations with others in your life whom you don’t even know yet.
Keep your eye out for these people when you are in a place and you love what you are doing there. You might discover a small thread — just a little ripple that can grow.
Author Anaïs Nin once said, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
If our conversation at The Great Wave that started with a ripple can lead to an ongoing sisterhood, there is probably more opportunity for others to engage in conversations like this.
Maybe there are new sisters out there in the universe for you. Sisters who might be willing to discuss even the banal stuff of life, the less Instagrammable but significant moments of our lives that matter even more.
Special thanks to Marie-Pierre Mosca, Eva Simone Lihotzky, Nneka Chukwurah, Sandy Weiner, Linda Murphy-Ericsson, and the sisterhood of strangers out there who inspire us to redefine having it all for ourselves.
About the authors
Etienne Fang is a human-centered leader with expertise in research, strategy, and design, and experience working globally in technology, CPG, consulting, and education. With a focus on customer growth through Inclusive Design, Etienne develops strategic insights through foundational, future-forward research. Currently, she is Principal Research Strategist at Amazon, guiding diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives. She is the founder of Redefining Having it All, a global platform with the mission to understand and support female empowerment and ambition around the world.
Shannon Mullen O’Keefe curates ideas. The Museum of Ideas houses her independent research, writing, thought leadership, and content contribution projects and collaborations. Previously she led consulting, coaching, and research teams for years in a global professional services firm and recently served as an Interim Executive Director for a non-profit organization, for which she now serves as the Board President-Elect.
